If i come over, it means nothing
Apparently you make a good broom.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He kissed a someone with a penis
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
