so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
