Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
