If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
