I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Randomize
