I need to stop coming to work sober
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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