i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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