Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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