i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
