I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I supernannyed him into submission
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
