I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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