Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
