just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
