i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
