Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
