After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
