god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
