this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
