wrigley field is MILF paradise
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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