I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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