Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
