I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
