I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
