I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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