so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
