I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
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i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
birth control should be required to get into college
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
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After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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