I faked an abortion last night.
Say something about gay babies.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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