i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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