Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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