I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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