two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
