So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
