Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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