we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
