fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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