And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
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As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
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Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
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