im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
