I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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