Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
