ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
