Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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