i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
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He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
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T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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