I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
