remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
