i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
