allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
This is my gift to your gina
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
