i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
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He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
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I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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