Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
