A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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