I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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