i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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