I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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