he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
