someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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