My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
