these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
